The heat is on

It’s hot outside!

(How hot is it?)

It’s so hot that…

…the fiddler on the roof took his act to the penthouse pool.

…NFL players are locking themselves out of training camp.

…you’ll get slapped by a pickle for calling it “cool as a cucumber."

…Donna Summer is singing, “Lookin’ for some hot stuff baby this evenin.’ I need some hot stuff baby...oh, forget it, I’m going inside where it’s cool.”

Who let the dog days of summer out?

…the Good Humor man doesn’t even find it funny.

…lobsters would just as soon stay in the pot of boiling water.

…death row inmates aren’t being sent to the electric chair. They’re

being sent to the exercise yard instead.

…“America’s Got Talent” was won by a guy with a Super Soaker.

…Captain America turned his shield into a wok.

…weather forecasts now come with a McDonald’s coffee cup warning.

…sports fans are doing a modified, seated form of the wave called the low tide.

…drug addicts are snorting Freon.

...rapper Ice-T had to drop the “Ice” from his name.

…Civil War reenactors are staging the Battle of the Ole Naked Swimmin’ Hole, which never actually happened.

…truck drivers are pulling their trailers with convertibles.

…the president is proposing a new Cold War.

…chickens are seeking shelter in KFC buckets.

…the National Park Service has closed Mount Rushmore due to falling thousand-gallon drops of sweat.

…bank time and temperature signs have dropped the degrees and are posting “Don’t ask.”

…Burlington Coat Factory is selling two-piece thong parkas.

…Sasquatch got a crew cut.

…heat-seeking missiles can’t decide which of the 3.7 quadrillion targets to hit.

…Congress is adding a fan to the debt ceiling.

But they probably won’t get the bill passed before Aug. 2.