Take a (government shutdown-proof) hike

Whew! That was close.

Americans came within minutes of a federal government shutdown Friday night. Thankfully, an 11^th hour budget deal in Congress spared us the awful prospect of doing without the daily federal government inefficiency we’ve all come to know and trust. Now Democrats and Republicans on Capitol Hill can get back to the real work of hating each other with our money.

Until an agreement was reached on a last-second spending plan, it looked like we might lose all those great federal government services we enjoy. You know the ones – I don’t have to list them for you.

Really, I don’t want to list them for you.

Okay, you tell me what they are.

I do know that had an agreement not been reached, our national parks would have closed. That would have been disastrous. Think about the wonderful experiences our national parks provide. Where else can you take quarter-of-the-way-down-before-you-give-up hikes into the Grand Canyon? Stand around waiting while Junior has to pee to watch Old Faithful erupt at Yellowstone? Wonder why you drove hundreds of miles to look at soggy grass at the Everglades?

Leer Yard National Park's Nature Area with shelterhouse

Minus Friday’s congressional action, our national walk in the park would have stopped dead in its tracks. We would have arrived at a national park to find a “Closed, please call again” sign at the front gates, hung there by a park ranger just before he headed to Washington to join a federal employee protest.

That could still happen. With more federal budget battles in our future, we’ll again be at risk of having our entire national parks system shut down. Something must be done to preserve the recreation we need and the health benefits that come with being in the great outdoors. Namely, sitting around picnic tables eating too much potato salad.

With that in mind, I’m doing what any patriotic American would do. I’m starting my own national park.

Don’t tell my wife. I want it to be a surprise.

The Leer Yard National Park is now open at my residence on the southwest side of Lafayette, Ind., in the Ashton Woods Subdivision (marketing slogan: “You can’t see the forest because there are no trees”). Admission is free, although donations are welcome and will be placed in a fund to cover legal fees associated with neighbors’ public nuisance complaints.

Leer Yard National Park is a sprawling guarter-acre natural paradise with something for everyone. There’s plenty of on-street parking except on Friday mornings, when the garbage trucks come by.

We recommend you begin your day at the Visitor Center, which just so happens to look exactly like my house. Ring the doorbell and whoever is properly dressed or not watching TV will come to the door and let you in. Inside you’ll find restrooms, a water fountain shaped like a kitchen sink and Zoey, our animal mascot. It’s okay to feed Zoey. She takes three scoops of cat food per day.

While in the Visitor Center you’ll also want to pick up a park map, or print the one here:

There are lots of things to see and do at Leer Yard National Park. Among them:

* Hiking – The Nature Area affords several seconds of challenging walking on completely flat ground. Test your knowledge of the exotic plant species you find, from dandelion to crabgrass to whatever weed is poking through the neighbor’s fence. You might even come face-to-face with wildlife, including the legendary Gray Beast. She looks hideous with half her tail missing, but her meow is worse than her bite.

 

* Swimming – Cool off in the park aquatics facility behind the Visitor Center. The aquatics facility opens as soon as we get down to Walmart and pick up a kiddie pool.

Our Recreation Area; don't sue me

* Sports and games – Enjoy a variety of competitive activities at the Recreation Area, such as basketball and concrete driveway football and wrestling. Be sure to sign the liability waiver for the latter two before you get started.

* Cooking out – Prepare meals on the park gas grill (yes, it’s singular, not plural). Visitors should bring their own propane tank or else come with an extra ribeye to share with park staff. Groups who call ahead can reserve the park shelter house, which has ample seating for three once the lawn mower, rakes and fertilizer spreader are pushed to the side.

* Camping – Set up a tent anywhere in the park and sleep to the sounds of trucks rambling down nearby U.S. 231. Outdoor shower facilities are available – pick up the garden hose and turn the spigot – and visitors can take advantage of the free Wi-Fi that, near as we can tell, extends 17 inches outside the walls of the Visitor Center.

Pack up the family and head to Leer Yard National Park. We promise to stay open no matter what Congress does. Now, should the county health department get involved, well, all bets are off.