Rest in Pieces

I am in mourning. On Tuesday, I lost a dear friend who paid the ultimate sacrifice to protect me. The obituary follows:

LAFAYETTE, Ind. – Steve Leer’s umbrella, 3, of Lafayette died April 19, 2011, moments after being deployed in a thunderstorm. It had been in failing working order for months, having lost three ribs and a couple of tips to wind damage. At the time of death, one-fourth of umbrella’s canopy was drooping, although, surprisingly, the push button opening feature remained intact after hundreds of uses.

Leer and the "deceased"

Umbrella was born on a Totes assembly line in China, along with 97 percent of the other consumer products made in the world. It was exported to the United States before being purchased by Leer’s wife at a retail store. Leer adopted the black folding umbrella in 2008, with a message from his wife that said, “I bought you a good umbrella. Try not to break this one.”

Umbrella was an umbrella all its life. It enjoyed drizzle, rain showers and downpours, and was involved in no activities other than keeping Leer’s head and upper body dry – most of the time. Umbrella was difficult to open only when Leer was wearing formal clothing, and returned to its folded position within seconds, except when Leer absolutely needed it to: entering buildings and getting into a car. Outside those days when the weather forecast called for at least a 40 percent chance of precipitation, umbrella could be found tucked inside Leer’s backpack or on the floorboard of Leer’s car, where it inevitably was stepped on.

Surviving along with Leer is a stick umbrella, of Leer’s West Lafayette office; assorted umbrellas, of wherever they were last placed; a Weather Channel app, of Leer's smartphone; and a step-golf umbrella, a waterproof jacket, an Indiana Beach rain poncho, and a pair of all-weather boots, all at home. Umbrella is preceded in death by an untold number of umbrellas that passed away as a result of the same flawed design that has made umbrellas susceptible to high wind for thousands of years.

Umbrella was in grave condition

No visitation is planned, unless Leer’s family and friends wish to compare the flimsy construction of their own umbrellas to the deceased’s. Internment will be in the City of Lafayette Sanitation Department Trash Toter. Or the recycle bin. Whichever.

In lieu of flowers brought from April showers, memorials may be made to the Steve Leer Umbrella Replacement Fund. Donors may choose instead to purchase Leer another umbrella.

Titanium frame is preferred, if such an umbrella exists.