Darkest horse

My fellow Americans, I come here today to announce my intention for the 2012 election. And the election after that. And the next one. And so on.

I will not seek political office.

I didn’t misspeak. I’m NOT running. You’ll understand why – and breathe a sigh of relief – in a moment.

Through the years many of you have told me that I should pursue a political career. You’ve said I would make a strong, competent leader. While I appreciate your faith in me, you need to know that I am unfit and unqualified to hold elected office.

I have – how do I say it? – skeletons in my closet.

I’m ashamed to admit that I am guilty of too many serious errors in judgment to be worthy of your trust. So before the story breaks on CNN and I am accused of a cover-up, let me explain.

To begin with, I am chronically honest. Try as I might, I have not been able to break my addiction to the truth. As you are most certainly aware, honesty has no place in politics. There may have been a time when the voting public tolerated the truth – back when presidents were born in log cabins – but not any longer.

Today, voters demand political candidates who are experienced in the art of deceit. They want to elect leaders capable of portraying their opponents as demons from hell, even when those opponents have not so much as been accused of double parking. They want public servants skilled at describing smaller-than-proposed spending increases as budget “cuts.” They want officeholders who say one thing and do something else; who blame previous officeholders for problems they themselves created; and who promise to put a chicken in every pot, knowing full well they could never deliver even a bullion cube.

In short, they want bald-faced liars. Unfortunately, my fellow Americans, I fail to meet the litmus test.

Another indiscretion that renders me unelectable is my habit of treating people like intelligent, responsible adults. That simply cannot be tolerated. To serve in government one must always view constituents as ignorant children who don’t know what’s best for them. In my terribly flawed way of thinking, I don’t want to dictate what kind of light bulbs people use, or how many miles their car must travel on a gallon of gasoline, or if they can drink milk right out of a cow’s udder, or – are you sitting down? – where, when and how they can use tobacco.

I possess an irrational belief in the Bill of Rights, civil liberties and free markets. So, naturally, I cannot be trusted with the keys to government.

My money isn't on Keynes

In a similar vein, I should never be elected to public office because I’m not obsessed with spending other people’s money. Perhaps I missed the day in school when the class studied Robin Hood and John Maynard Keynes, but I never learned the importance of stealing from one group of people to give to another group through taxation. Thus, I’ve always held to an absurd notion that people should be allowed to keep what they earn. That even goes for the rich. Call me a fascist or start an Occupy Me protest, but I don’t despise the wealthy nor do I want to punish them for succeeding in business. It just goes to show that the needle on my moral compass is pointing straight at “Perverse.”

As shocking and troubling as these revelations are, they do not represent the extent of my political shortcomings. A careful examination of my background reveals that I also:

Respect the Constitution. No elected official who approaches his or her job as the monarch they’re expected to be can allow themselves to be hamstrung by a 225-year-old list of rules written by a group of white guys. The Constitution and its 27 amendments are little more than a series of suggestions that should be ignored when circumstances warrant. Revering the very document that the Founding Fathers crafted means I accept the outdated belief that government is not all-powerful. That makes me a danger to society. Especially historical revisionists.

Answer yes-or-no questions with a “yes” or “no.” And do it without the help of a teleprompter.

Make peace by acting peaceably. Everyone knows the way you resolve conflict at the governmental level is through character assassination and war. If you want to get along with an enemy you must destroy them first. My diplomatic philosophy misses the most important element: megaton bombs.

Err on the side of the private sector. I foolishly adhere to the free enterprise system rather than accepting the mainstream view that government powers the economy. Time and again we’ve seen examples of government doing it better, and cheaper, than private industry. Like free health care, for example. I should have read the memo, which probably was written on “free” paper produced at a plant bailed out by “free” government money printed for “free” by the Federal Reserve.

Refuse to be beholden to a political party. Voters love to talk about how much they hate Democrats and Republicans, but on Election Day they fall in line behind one party or the other. I won’t capitulate, which is another way of saying I’m not a team player. And no one wants to be associated with an independent thinker.

Could care less about being re-elected. A political office is a career-ending destination, not, as I’ve always believed, a temporary part-time assignment. Once you’ve made it into the club your job is to ensure your membership is never revoked.

That shouldn't be an issue for me, so long as you fellow Americans keep me far, far away from the halls of government.